Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Trump for Prezz

Steve Cutts
[En français]

Go ahead, elect, appoint, anoint—whatever it is you do with Prezzidents. It won't matter. Because it didn't matter who was President, and will matter even less who plays “The Prezz” on reality TV for the next four years.

As far as actual Presidents, we had Bush, who told lies about Iraq and Afghanistan (to name a few), who was owned by a bunch of Wall Street insiders and whose foreign policy team was stocked with murderous Neocons. And then we had Obama, who told lies about Libya, Syria and the Ukraine (to name a few), who was owned by a bunch of Wall Street insiders and whose foreign policy team was stocked with murderous Neocons. The only difference is that Obama promised a bunch of things—you know, “Change!”—and they didn't happen. Bush played dumb, Obama pretended to be smart, but both are just sleazy. To find a President who wasn't a sleazy slimeball, you have to go all the way back to Jimmy Carter. But it didn't matter that he was President either; everything he did was undone by the next sleazebag in line.

But Trump is different. He is actually a good fit, as an ornamental figurehead, for what the United States has become in its senescence and decrepitude. Here is a short list of things that make him an ideal pick for the role of “the Prezz” on reality TV.

1. Trump is just a brand—a picture of his likeness with the word “Trump” over it, and a salesman's cant: I am a smart guy, I know how to strike deals, blah blah blah. And, it turns out, by this point in time the United States is also just a brand—a stripey flag and some verbiage that rings increasingly hollow: indispensable nation, freedom and democracy, world policeman, blah blah blah. Now, the United States did at some point stand for something: the rule of law, the right to mind your own business, the ability to get things done. But now it stands for lawlessness. How many Wall Street types got jailed for their transgressions in recent years? None. They don't even get juvenile detention; they just get off by paying a fine. How many unarmed people got shot by police lately? Lots. Do the cops get any jail-time for what amounts to murder? No. It also stands for a surveillance state that would make Stalin blush: your right to privacy has been eliminated. And the ability to get things done has moved overseas; all that's left in the US is a bunch of corporate scams—in medicine, in education, in housing, in energy, plus a hyped-up “tech bubble” based on short-lived imported widgets and bits of software cludged together by overcaffeinated hipsters. Do any of these things make you want to jump up and down and yell “Rah-rah?” or “USA #1?” Well, no, so all you have left is the stripey flag; go and wave it about then!

2. Trump is damaged goods but manages to put on a brave face and act successful anyway. A lot of his vaunted deals have gone bad, and quite a lot of what he had built has gone bust. If you look at his “wealth,” most of it is intangible and ephemeral—an attempt to put a market value on various bits of puffery and hype. Now he is suing bankrupt Trump Casinos for continuing to use his name and thereby tarnishing his brand. That's the winning attitude! When you lose, be sure to lob a hand grenade over your left shoulder as you run away. Again, this is a perfect fit to the United States, in its current state: located at the epicenter of the Black Hole of Debt that is rigged to blow at some point, and with an economy that's been shrinking since the beginning of this century—two facts that no amount of accounting fraud can disguise. Add to that a legacy of very damaging and embarrassing foreign policy fiascos. Why is there a refugee crisis in Europe right now? Because America—that's why! If the US didn't run roughshod and ruin Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Syria or the Ukraine then there wouldn't be a refugee crisis in Europe right now. A country whose fortune and reputation have both been ruined needs an ornamental figurehead who can bluster and bloviate his way out of looking like a loser.

3. Most of what Trump proposes is illegal. I haven't researched this exhaustively, but I did sit through a couple of speeches of his, and made a tick mark every time he offered to do something, if elected, that contradicted existing domestic legislation, international law or international treaties. I made a lot of tick marks. Again, this is a perfect fit: the United States is a country that flouts international law on a regular basis, refuses to prosecute and jail members of its financial elite and routinely violates human rights through practices such as torture, indefinite detention and extraordinary rendition. It also attempts to make its laws binding on the rest of the world through acts such as FATCA, which require banks around the world to furnish it with information about their clients even when the transaction does not concern any US interest or person. So, a Prezz who doesn't know legal from illegal wouldn't be a problem at all. In fact, a Prezz who is hornswoggled by outdated notions of upholding the law and the Constitution may be at a disadvantage in riding out the unfolding national fiasco.

4. The stuff that comes out of Trump's mouth may sound childish, but it is stuff that Americans actually think and want to hear said in public. There has been a sort of self-appointed language police at work in the US, which has forced people to become very timid when speaking out, for fear of offending someone. Trump is not afraid of offending anyone—and that's very healthy. The language police, on the other hand, is a very unhealthy bunch of humans: it is not outraged or offended by actual outrages and offenses, provided these are talked about in politically correct ways—because it is all about setting limits on language. Politically incorrect use of terminology by public figures causes it to start tweeting like mad until the public figure in question tweets a public apology. But Trump does not apologize. Are you offended? Don't be so fragile! Never been so offended before? You should get out more! Of course there should be strict limits on hate speech. There should also be limits on obscenity, so that our children don't grow up sounding like goddamn sailors. But when it comes to expressing opinions on controversial topics—of course somebody is going to be offended, or the opinion wouldn't be worth expressing. And so Trump is an actual breath of fresh air when it comes to free speech—or what's left of it in the US.

5. Trump seems like a bit of a fascist. He is really popular with white supremacists, anti-immigrant vigilantes and formerly privileged but now disenfranchised and disgruntled members of white working-class society who complain endlessly about “ferners” taking away their “jerbs.” Now, this may not seem like a big positive, but it's bad to repress one's feelings forever. It results in all kinds of bad things, like domestic terrorist insurgencies. It's better to give a voice to these people, give them a candidate to vote for (remember, it doesn't matter who gets to play “the Prezz”), watch their champion completely renege on his pledges to them—which he will, because his money comes from elsewhere—and they will end up as politically spent as Occupy Wall Street and go off and blubber quietly into their soapy, watery beer. But what, you may ask, if Trump really is a fascist? Well, it still doesn't matter who gets to be Prezz. Plus it's a bit of a fascist country anyway, you know—the out of control militarism, the rampant corporatism, the ubiquitous surveillance state, the rigged, broken justice system, the gaping chasm between the über-wealthy and the rest—these are all halmarks of fascism. So electing a somewhat fascist-sounding Prezz is just a matter of calling a Hackenkreuz a Hackenkreuz.

So here are five perfectly good reasons why Trump would make one fine Prezz. But he needs a running mate. Now, wouldn't it be a fine thing to have a woman Vice-Prezz? It's been two election cycles since a spectacularly dumb bimbo—Sarah Palin—came within a few percentage points of the Vice-Prezzidency; maybe it's time to try again. And so I propose Kim Kardashian as Trump's running mate. Not Kim Kardashian herself—she doesn't amount to much—but, more specifically, her amazing ass. She has a stunning derrière that I am sure will make America feel proud again.

Further, I propose that Trump marry her ass, and make a sort of national royal ass-family. She'd be the Vice-Prezz and the First Lady-Ass—killing two birds with one ass, if you will! Yes, it would require another tweak to the marriage laws to make it possible for a man and a woman's buttocks to join in holy matrimony. But the Supreme Court seems game for such tweaks, and, as an added benefit, when time comes for Mr. Trump to divorce (as it invariably has), the Pope would be only too happy to annul such a union.

Lastly, I recommend that the royal couple dispense with the usual White House nonsense—the press conferences, the sound bites and all the rest. Instead, the rebranded “Trump White House and Casino” should operate as a reality TV show.

In the first episode, Trump summons the Federal Open Market Committee and tells them: “You're fired!”

In the second episode, Trump summons the Joint Chiefs of Staff and tells them: “You're fired!”

In the third episode, Trump summons the Justices of the Supreme Court and tells them “You're fired!”

And so on to the UN Security Council, the G7 and the College of Cardinals.

Wait, wouldn't that be illegal, you may ask?

In the immortal words of Sarah Palin, “Ya betcha!”


Roberto said...

Just when we were considering coming back to the USA to build a boat. A fine litany of USA detritus to reconsider. But the watery soapy beer is sadly down here in Mexico and Palins ass is vastly superior to the billboard expanse of Kardashians (witness Sarahs proud swimsuit sashaying in the Miss Alaska pageant of old on youtube). I'm holding out for Jesse Ventura with veep Ron Paul but wouldn't wish the death sentence for both insured by jacking around with the lovely human beings who brought us 9-11. No, a perfect time to pass yet another perfect, eternal spring day up in the mexican highlands and watch it all unfold on my monitor rather than out my front window. The ass clown presidential reality show that's sadly going to get the same old lower bell curve high ratings.

Helix said...

@Robert Goad -- You've escaped?!! You'd have to be mad to even think about coming back. Actually, you might consider getting even further away. After all, Mexico is still on the same continent. I always liked New Zealand myself, but I hear it's being bought up as the bug-out place to be for the uber rich should Americans ever get up off their couches and rummage around for their pitchforks.

NowhereMan said...

A vintage post! A pungent bouquet of bitter sarcasm up front balanced with just the right blend of harsh invective bite and pleasantly smooth droll humor throughout the body, all leading up to a nice clean but memorable finish. Bottle it!

Anonymous said...

I have had the feeling for a while that Trump is the collapse president you proposed in your collapse gap presentation years ago, and it seems like the homo sapiens of the country agree.

Jayhawk said...

In the 1980s we had what was called a "Savings & Loan crisis." S&Ls combined with the real estate to vastly inflate real estate prices and fleece people who bought property and who invested in the S&Ls. Hundreds of thousands of innocent people had their savings wiped out. When the grits hit the fan there was a massive investigation and many people in high places were sent to prison except, of course, those involved who were members of Congress - the infamous "Keating Five." Laws and regulations were passed by Congress to assure that this could never happen again.

Those laws fairly quickly began to be ignored and were later rescinded, and the whole imbroglio was repeated twenty years later (twenty years!) on a vastly larger scale, only no one went to prison and no laws effective were passed to prevent yet another repeat. That is how long it took from the time we were objectly horrified by a small event to the time we considered a far larger version of it as being "business as usual." a mere couple of decades.

Zoltar said...

President Trump & Vice President Kardashian-Booty should be set up from inauguration day as a 24/7 reality show, exclusive to pay TV for an exorbitant hourly viewers’ fee.
Then legislation should be passed stipulating that all proceeds from the program be used to pay off the national debt.

Proles addicted to the program should be able to put this nation back in the black in no time. And the incessant media attention should assure that our narcissistic president and VP don’t tire of office and are motivated to serve out their full term.

Unknown said...

Cool accompanying art: Jabba the Yankee.

Unknown said...

Did I just read the word "hornswoggled"? Well tarnation, if'n I'm a gonna be hornswoggled by some LAW, I'll be a monkey's uncle! Funny how you can sum up what this country "says" in its national political "voice," using good ol' Yosemite Sam as the voice, and lately it doesn't sound that far off. Yeah Trump could be Orlov's "collapse president" and also Kunstler's "cornpone Hitler." Maybe he's not from the Corn Belt, but just try quoting him Yosemite Sam style and observe how well he fits in.

Unknown said...

Watery beer has its place, I'm not always inthe mood for an IPA. Boo hoo.

Ken Barrows said...

Trump will be President but will resign after a year to take a TV deal. More lucrative, you know. /s/

pyrrhus said...

"3. Most of what Trump proposes is illegal. I haven't researched this exhaustively, but I did sit through a couple of speeches of his, and made a tick mark every time he offered to do something, if elected, that contradicted existing domestic legislation, international law or international treaties. I made a lot of tick marks."

You obviously haven't been paying attention the last 20 years....Obama,Bush, and Clinton have shredded domestic law whenever they felt like it, as have most of the EU countries. Obama alone has issued more than 9,000 executive orders..As for "international law", that hodgepodge of conflicting treaties, private agreements, and UN resolutions that were never adopted, it is a joke. I say this as an experienced attorney. The Kaiser observed correctly that treaties were only "scraps of paper." Germany and other countries closed their borders to immigrants two days ago in total violation of the Schengen Treaty, without a word of discussion, or apology. That's the real world for you, and Trump understands it better than anyone...

Aegirsson said...

Off topic but the picture from Steve Cutts is taken almost right out of the movie Idiocracy. If the fat guy could stand up, we would see a toilet hole in his seat ...

michigan native said...

Wow, someone that is an "experienced" attorney and not ashamed to admit it. Speaking of arrogant, pompous assholes, recall that Trump likes to yap about having dropped out of college and became this successful business guy. What he neglects to mention is that his dad left him 340 million dollars, so we essentially have a village idiot that was placed on third base and thinks he hit a triple.

I haven't paid much attention to the 3 ringed circus, as I know whoever "wins" in 2016 will preside over an empire that collapsed on his or her watch, but what little I have heard from Trump is comical. We don't speak "Mexican" in the US. I guess we don't speak Spanish either. What a clown. Then he says "they" (referring to Mexico) isn't sending their best people over. I don't supposed these people are coming of their own free will, and that that dirty Mexican government full of rapists are not in fact sending anyone north of the border. US imperialistic exploitation of US foreign policy, complete with oligarchs, death squads, assasinations, sabotage, sanctions, massive bombings, and invasions at first in Central and South America and later in the Middle East and the Ukraine result in the humanitarian disasters and refugee crises. Let's build a wall so the "illegal immigrants" can learn how to dig under the fences (I say get a shovel donation program going if the asshole does in fact get elected). Last, he was accusing other countries of "stealing" our jobs. Ever hear of NAFTA, outsourcing, the wholesale slaughter of our manufacturing base? People like Trump should know, his clothing line is made in China.

So there you have it. The biggest charade, the biggest display of disillusioned buffoons and imbeciles all worked up talking about the resumption of growth, energy independence for America, building all these roads for endless happy motoring, and all these other myths and fairytales that are simply not possible. I plan to stay at home, sit on the tv and stare at the sofa if there is even an election in November, but why not let all the people who are losing their minds get all worked up into a frenzy about clowns like Trump because all that wealth they thought they had, denominated in soon to be worthless federal reserve notes and based on future industrial production that cannot and will not occur, go down ripping their hair out and setting themselves ablaze on the steps of the federal reserve because Trump, Bush, Clinton, or yet another president or the political process will not same them from a post carbon, de-industrialized world and all the blessings of that brief anomaly in human history brought them. Time to row with the rest of the slaves. Too bad, too sad. Start growing your own food. That's the best thing you can do with your time.

JoeC said...

"In the second episode, Trump summons the Joint Chiefs of Staff and tells them: “You're fired!”

That would the final episode. JFK

onething said...

Gee, Michigan Native, was it really necessary to insult Pyrrhus, whom you probably know very little about? Do you believe in civilized dialogue?

DeVaul said...

You must have been in some kind of mood when you wrote this. Nice summary of the current situation. I guess pyrrhus does not understand that the phrase: "I made a lot of tick marks" is a punch line in the world of comedy. Oh well.

Trump reminds me in many ways of Ronald Reagan, the man who brought us "Mourning in America". A Hollywood B actor who doubled the Social Security tax, then gave the surplus to the Pentagon and tripled the national debt with his MX missile program. He was shot because he "forgot" for a moment that he was owned by Wall Street insiders and their allies in the CIA. He never veered off course again, but what about Trump?

I can easily see him veering off course. His infatuation with himself could easily lead him to believe he actually rules this country. Unlike Reagan though, he is a master of leaving others "holding the bag" when the house of cards collapses, as it always does when he builds it. A match-up between him and Wall Street might be the most interesting thing that happens in this country before everyone goes their separate ways. In this case I would be rooting for Trump. No other candidate has the balls and the arrogance to leave Wall Street "holding the bag".

michigan native said...

I work for my money. Try taking care of sick, injured, crippled, disabled, and dying people. Over 18 years, my back blew out in 2 places. Now lawyers from creditors want to take away what little I have.

I have paid almost 1,000 dollars to my bankruptcy lawyer already because the parasite has had to "re-file my paper work" a few times because I struggled to stay out of this. So what started out as a cheap "$350" bankruptcy is now close to 1,000 dollars. Such a physically demanding job filing paperwork must be to shamelessly charge a fee like that. I file paperwork on sick, injured, crippled, disabled, and dying people everyday, hours and hours of it, so much so that I think I am getting carpal tunnel syndrome and it robs me of precious time I have to spend on the floor doing hands on care. Like most of us, we stay over on our free time so that 8 hour shift always turns out more like a 12 hour shift. How come we are not making thousands of dollars, like these shameless, despicable bottom feeding scumbags, parasites, and vultures, and at great detriment to the larger society? Also, they are what is eating up such a large percentage of us caregivers' time, assaulting our physical and mental health aside in the process.....legality. Fear of lawyers and lawsuits. That and a government (ahem, most of your politicians are lawyers) that has no money left for sick or disabled people, hungry children (they talk of wanting to cut "wasteful programs" such as food stamps, when over half of the recipients in the US are now children...where is that ammo when we need it?)etc but have untold billions to "spread democracy abroad" (control resources, maintain hegemony, try to force feed a useless soon to get dumped US petro dollar....the same dollars lawyers and crooks make, that is one consolation of a currency that is guaranteed to collapse soon)

Twice I had the hire a lawyer for their services. Both times, same result. The deck is rigged so you have to use their "services". In both cases, they are not at all shy about asking for exorbitant sums of money up front. They have clerks and paralegals and other happy slaves file the paperwork, do most of their dirty work, they take your hard earned money and frankly do not give a shit about you or the outcome, both acted like I am an annoyance to them because they could be making even more money on some other person's adversity, they all run these fake ads where they smile and pretend to be concerned about your rights when in reality all they care about is your money, but you see, in divorce and bankruptcy, they are making what they feel is minimum wage (try working 8 hours on a cancer unit for children or a 12 shift on a lock down unit for people with Alzheimer's and see what it's really like to actually earn your money, you slime sucking filth, you legalized thieves). They are eager to move on and rake the next host, the next victim over the coals, and you are just a nuisance to them.

They would make good postage stamps but people prefer to spit on the back of their stamps, so I guess for the time being it's vultures and parasites and other shameless, opportunistic pigs that drive up the price of goods and services, create a rigged legal and judicial system, are largely responsible for an inefficient medical system bogged down with needless paperwork and defensive testing, and have too many other people in the US thinking like lawyers. Such a curse upon the land. No wonder we were doomed to collapse. The latest repug debates prove the political collapse is gaining momentum. Many of them are now commenting on facebook "if we don't get rid of Trump, we're screwed" (exact words). Many some of them were born with more than double digit IQs after all.

Now pull up a chair and watch the Donald Trumps and others who never really had to work for a living lose their minds.

Unknown said...

if i happen to see trumpet on TV or in a photo i quickly avert my eyes in distaste. however, i can't help noticing that his mouth is always open. has anyone ever seen him with a closed mouth?

horizonstar said...

Thanks for voicing a sentiment that I've been hoarding from the Thought Police. (AKA everyone I work with and 98% of my relatives and family) Just as Las Vegas is the true All American City, Trump-et's crass materialism, total disregard for facts, and endless ego are a perfect expression of what our national value system has become.

And as an added bonus we won't have to search for a new national mascot to replace the Bald Eagle in a Trump administration. Jabba the Hutt will do just fine.


Dmitry, this is brilliant as usual. Love you champagne!!