Wednesday, December 30, 2020

World Satanic Society 2020 Year-End Report

Fellow-Satanists, honored guests, ladies and gentlemen! The year 2020 has been a banner year for our society and for His Satanic Majesty! [Applause]

Our major success of 2020, of course, was in locking down half the planet by hyping a not-too-dangerous respiratory virus that's mostly dangerous for the old and the sick with the help of Satanic Minion Tedros Adhanom Boutros-Boutros-Boutros Ghebreyesus at our affiliate World Health Organization. This has allowed us to proactively set in motion a controlled demolition of the global economy. It stands to greatly enrich our members, whereas the inevitable spontaneous collapse would have wiped us out. [Enthusiastic applause, shouts of "Bravo!"]

Still, we must not grow complacent; the virus ploy will stop working for us at some point. We do not want to find ourselves in the situation of a Boutros-Boutros-Boutros who cried wolf one time too many! The hype is wearing off already. The use of the term "lockdown" was unfortunate; after all, it is US prison slang for locking inmates in their cells. Plus those damnable Russians seem to have developed their Sputnik-V, a vaccine that actually works. Now everybody seems to want it instead of our preferred toxic, fertility-destroying potions. Still, it brought tears of joy to many a Satanist's face watching millions of people wear face masks and stand 1,5 meters apart just as shown in Stanley Kubrik's excellent film "Eyes Wide Shut" starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. [Confused looks; some stifled guffaws, a smattering of applause]

Wednesday, December 23, 2020

The Stupidest News Story of the Year

The end of horrible-terrible-awful 2020 is fast approaching, making it a good time to pick winners. And the leading candidate in the "stupidest news story of the year" category appears to be Boris Johnson's fight against the coronavirus strain VUI-202012/01, which we'll call Vui for short. The list of candidates is by no means short; 2020 has been a banner year for absurdities of every kind. Just when you think that it shouldn't be possible to think of something even more absurd, somebody goes ahead and does just that. If in the spring of this year it appeared that the Brits battled the coronavirus in the style of Benny Hill, their moves in combating Vui scaled the heroic heights of Monty Python.

And so, then, what do we have?

Continue reading... [on SubscribeStar] [on Patreon]

Thursday, December 17, 2020

Lunar Soil Revisited

The reentry capsule from the Chinese Chang'e 5 lunar mission has returned to Earth, bringing back with it lunar soil samples. The last time such an event took place was back in 1976. As planned, the capsule landed in China's Inner Mongolia. The 300kg capsule has already been found. Its condition is being assessed prior to it being transported it to a secure location.

Up until yesterday the situation with lunar soil samples was as follows:

• The six Apollo missions brought back 382kg of lunar soil (or so it is claimed; nobody outside of NASA has ever been allowed to see them)

• Three Soviet missions (Luna 16, 20 and 24) brought back 324g

Subsequent American official mythology on this topic goes something like this:

"Americans distributed lunar soil samples among the entire world. Dozens of the largest and most prominent research centers and laboratories around the world received large rocks and many kilos of soil. The world's scientists studied them and discovered... they discovered... er... for example... um..."

The reality is a bit more complicated.

Continue reading... [on SubscribeStar] [on Patreon]