Wednesday, December 30, 2020

World Satanic Society 2020 Year-End Report

Fellow-Satanists, honored guests, ladies and gentlemen! The year 2020 has been a banner year for our society and for His Satanic Majesty! [Applause]

Our major success of 2020, of course, was in locking down half the planet by hyping a not-too-dangerous respiratory virus that's mostly dangerous for the old and the sick with the help of Satanic Minion Tedros Adhanom Boutros-Boutros-Boutros Ghebreyesus at our affiliate World Health Organization. This has allowed us to proactively set in motion a controlled demolition of the global economy. It stands to greatly enrich our members, whereas the inevitable spontaneous collapse would have wiped us out. [Enthusiastic applause, shouts of "Bravo!"]

Still, we must not grow complacent; the virus ploy will stop working for us at some point. We do not want to find ourselves in the situation of a Boutros-Boutros-Boutros who cried wolf one time too many! The hype is wearing off already. The use of the term "lockdown" was unfortunate; after all, it is US prison slang for locking inmates in their cells. Plus those damnable Russians seem to have developed their Sputnik-V, a vaccine that actually works. Now everybody seems to want it instead of our preferred toxic, fertility-destroying potions. Still, it brought tears of joy to many a Satanist's face watching millions of people wear face masks and stand 1,5 meters apart just as shown in Stanley Kubrik's excellent film "Eyes Wide Shut" starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. [Confused looks; some stifled guffaws, a smattering of applause]

Our other major success of this past year has been in installing Kamala Harris, a fellow-Satanist code-named "Matilda," as the leader of the free world. Like virtually all of His Satanic Majesty's maidservants, Kamala is barren, or, if you prefer, "child-free." To be fruitful and multiply requires God's grace and, needless to say, God is not exactly on our side. By the way, this is why we are always looking for new blood, preferably the blood of Christian children. It helps our members remain active to an obscenely old age. Henry Kissinger and George Soros have had their fill. Joe Biden is waiting for his transfusion now. [Laughter]

Installing "Matilda" (her code name immortalized by her Jamaican compatriot Harry Belafonte) has been a gargantuan task for our members and their allies and minions in the Democratic Party and the Deep State. But it all worked out thanks to the wonderful US public education system. It has produced several generations of Americans who can barely count on their fingers and toes. Were they able to do basic arithmetic, they would have spotted the problem: 74 million votes for Trump plus 81 million votes for Biden gives us 155 million votes total. But there were only 153 million registered voters just two years ago, so that's 101% voter turn-out. And then 160 million are said to have voted, so that's 104.5% turn-out! Compare that to 55.7% turn-out in the 2016 election. [Furrowed brows, nervously twitching fingers and toes]

There is no way to make the numbers make any sense. Since 2016 the US population grew by just under 8 million. Optimistically assuming half of them became eligible to vote; that would add 4 million to the rolls. Optimistically assuming all of them actually registered to vote, that would only make 157 million. Accept the reported stunning voter turn-out number for 2020 of 66.7%. That's just under 105 million votes total—nowhere near then 160 million number that has been reported. If Trump got 74 million votes, as reported, then just 31 million votes would be the theoretical maximum for Biden—less then half as many as for Trump. [Stunned silence]

So how could Biden and Harris have won? Easy! The same way it was possible to knock down three New York skyscrapers using two airplanes on 9/11. If the people haven't been taught to count, you can get them to believe just about anything! [Laughter, applause]

And so, barring an act of God, "Matilda" will be installed as Queen of the White House while Joe Biden, kept alive by the blood of Christian infants, will just sign his name and say "Yes, Madam Vice President" whenever "Matilda" pokes him with a stick. The possibility of an act of God is not to be excluded, of course; remember Sodom and Gomorrah. Nevertheless, we should expect that this particular reincarnation of "Matilda" will get crowned with all due pomp and circumstance and proceed to get fat in America just another "Matilda," in the inspired words of Hugh Masekela, "gettin' fat in Africa." And then, of course, she'll follow the script and "take the money and run to Venezuela..." [Stunned gasps]

...because, you see, she'll have to! By the end of her term there won't be much of a country for her to continue to get fat in. And this brings us to the final traditional part of the year-end report: the forecast. According to our Satanist friends at (lovely understated Satanic logo, by the way, kudos to the designers!) by 2025 the United States will lose 70% of its population, 92% of its real GDP and its economy will be slightly smaller than that of Mexico. Meanwhile, China will remain the world's largest economy, growing slightly, while Russia and India will skyrocket to rank second and third. The world rankings will look quite different. Germany will find itself somewhere between Chile and South Africa. Switzerland and the United Kingdom (should this silly anachronism still exist) will rank somewhere between Slovakia and Greece. The Swedes will be poorer than the Romanians... and so on. The world is changing before our eyes and nothing will ever be the same. [Stunned silence]

We should take hope, however, because we can be sure that this changed world will provide ample Devil's playgrounds for us Satanists in the formerly rich but soon to be destitute nations of the world. Yes, what with the China-Russia tandem pretty much in charge of the entire globe, we will be cast out into the darkness from the Eurasian heartland and forced to hang on at the edges of the world, but before that happens we'll have quite a feast! Tuck in, friends! The Satanic buffet is open! 

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